It's not me, it's my metabolism!

I've been avoiding blogging, avoiding going to WW and avoiding discussing food issues with anyone lately. I just 'fessed up' to a friend from WW about my struggle and *gulp* my actual weight! What a humbling an experience that was.

I have been playing around with weight loss for the past 2 1/2 years! How much have I actually lost - overall? 1 lb. Sick. Well, it's not me... it's my metabolism! What a crock that line is! Have you seen that TV commercial for another weight loss program? It's not me??? really??? How comforting. It's my metabolism. All this time I just thought my stagnation in weight loss was due to potato chip binges, visits to Kawartha Dairy, too much butter, no exercise, and tons of other things I had been doing!

Imagine - I'm not at fault after all!!!! It's my METABOLISM! Oh give me a break! That's as ridiculous as saying the balloon boy is in the balloon when the entire time he was hiding in the attic at home! Well, I'm balloon girl... I've been flirting with the excitement of weight loss when all along I've been hiding in my kitchen and eating! However, I do feel vindicated... metabolism. My new magic word!

Today I made a dinner for a friend (her baby is undergoing open heart surgery this morning) and when I did the calculations on the recipe, modified by me, it works out to approx. 5 pts per serving. Why don't I do that for myself??? I'm feeling discouraged, defeated, and icky! Icky is the appropriate word to use - it means ICKY!

I've missed the last several weeks of WW - I was in Halifax, NS for work. I was subjected to hotel food for a week. The 3 mornings (out of 7) that I could choose my own breakfast I did make great choices - two mornings I had fresh fruit - tons and tons of it, the other morning I had an eggwhite omelet with broccoli & a tiny bit of cheese-and a side of fruit! Really good! However, that didn't help counter all the high fat meals that were served. Why does everything have to come with a sauce of some sort??? I did a rough calculation of points for the "gala" dinner on the first official evening - 38 points!!!! And that didn't include dessert. It seemed most meals were a minimum of 25-30 points. Thank goodness for all the fruit I ate! Good source of fibre!

I've been back for almost 2 weeks now, but not back to healthy eating. I weighed myself this morning and I am up... to the point where I am just 1 lb below my starting weight. I am deflated (unlike balloon boy's balloon!) and chubby... and incredibly ashamed of myself.

Oh - more humiliation... I had a clothing party at my home recently - Jockey person-to-person - really nice. I think you need to be a size 0 to fit into a medium!!!! The large was obviously not large enough and I sadly had to opt for an XL. I hang my head in shame.

So, what am I going to do about it? Good question. I wish I could say I'm going to be perfect from here on in, but we all know that would be a lie. I will say that I will seek help when I need it, I will talk to friends when I need it, I will treat myself with the respect I deserve, and I will make good choices.

It's Thursday... I've got two full days until I weigh in again. I can do this. What did I learn this week? well....contrary to the TV commercial:

It IS me...it's NOT my metabolism!!!

Middle of the week... or is that "weak"???

I've been so busy at work these past few days, getting in very early and staying quite late. It's not good for my weight loss efforts! Last night, for instance, at Union Station I was starving!! Union is a foodaholics worst nightmare! The aroma of Cinnabons was wafting through the air. Fresh bread from Michels. Chocolate from Laura Secord. Ice cream from Dairy Queen. Harveys. Mmmmmuffins. And of course, the dreaded McDonalds, to name just a few. Knowing I wouldn't be home until at least 8:30 I knew I better eat something or the second I walked in my door I would eat whatever wasn't nailed down.

I chose Mr. Sub. Turkey. Whole wheat. No sauces and lots of veggies. Good choice. Score one for me!

Got home, still hungry. Ate a banana. Score.

Mid week... or should that be "mid WEAK" is always difficult.

Going for coffee.....

Monday Monday.....

After a dismal weekend - cold, wet, and just plan ugh - today is filled with beautiful sunshine! As I look out my office window, I don't see a single cloud. But, I digress... first the weekend:

I reluctantly got my butt to Weight Watchers on Saturday, after my usual first stop at Tim's to get my morning java... sans muffin. I was late, but thankfully there was no line up to weigh in. I guess everyone had arrived early - the place was pretty full! Again, reluctantly, I stepped on the little square monster - the one known as "the scale".... oooh, the mere mention of the name send shudders through me at times! This day, however, was not one of them. Despite my foray into muffin eating and apple delights over the week, the scale took pity on me and I was down 1.6 lbs! Yahoo! And as much as I blogged about my delights of the past week, I only had one pumpkin muffin from Timmie's.... the rest of the week I was actually pretty well behaved.

Down 1.6 - it felt really good. So, to celebrate, on my way home from Weight Watchers I stopped in at the Rose Farm (if you live anywhere remotely close to Newmarket you know where that is!) and promptly treated myself.... to.... fresh cut.... fresh cooked... fries! I know...(hanging my head in shame)... but they were so good! I enjoyed every bite - and from that moment on I've been tracking. It was my one big treat of the week.

I got a few tips this week to stave off the 'minute I walk in the door from work grab food' routine that I have fallen into. This morning before leaving home, I packed a box of WW Fruit & Nut bars (1 point) and some 2 pt chocolaty things that I have a tough time staying away from. Here they are now, at work, right in front of me. Okay, not exactly in front of me, but in a drawer. The idea is that when I head home I will grab one of the bars to eat on the train or the bus that comes after the train. My hope it that it will be enough to deter me from heading straight for the fridge or cupboard the second I walk in the door! I'll let you know how it works.

In the meantime, it's Monday, the sun is shining, and I'm feeling very much in control. On days like this, when the air is a little crisp (not too much) and the sun is out, the air smells good and you are out walking, I find it invigorating! Okay, I work in downtown Toronto so the air never really smells 'good' but you know what I mean! So, I'm sitting here, with my back to the window and wondering how I can rearrange my office to take advantage of looking out at the beautiful sunshine.

Enjoy the week - you won't get a chance to relive today - so live it to the fullest!

I'm off to get my coffee now - and hopefully no muffins!

later,

Number inversions, fall clothes, and more pie!

I weighed in on saturday and I was up 0.2.... bah! Must have been all that pie! Kawartha Dairy Ice Cream didn't help either, I suppose!

After talking to a few ladies at WW, some were up just little bits, like me. I think it's a number inversion thing. REALLY, we are DOWN 0.2 or 0.6 or 3.2! Okay, that one (3.2) we might actually notice! Regardless, such tiny little amounts to be up may as well be looked at as a number inversion. Pee, and it's gone!

But, of course, now that the fall is here and I am wearing slightly heavier clothes that just may be were my 'gain' came from! Ya, that's it! I'm up 0.2 because I wore a heavier sweater? Okay, that's a mind inversion! My mind, at best, can be somewhat twisted so if I choose to believe that my choice of sweater made a huge difference, then so be it! It's me. And that's that. Yes, I know, I'm fooling myself - mostly because I wore the exact thing I have been wearing most of the summer. So the inversion here comes from stupidity!

Regardless of how I see my 0.2 lb gain.... I accepted it.

After the meeting my husband and I went apple picking. I made a delicious apple crisp (a weight watcher recipe at that!) and it was so delicious! Topped it off with a small scoop (about 1/4c, seriously) of Chapman's Frozen Yogurt (which is only about 1 point for the 1/4 c). My dessert - 3 pts! How yummy was that. AND, since it was fall and a beautiful crisp sunny day, I also made a huge pot of vegetable soup, which I have been eating all week. There's something so comforting in a bowl of hot soup! It's zero points! THAT'S the comfort part!

I find my biggest challenges come from being at work. If I'm hungry I head down to the main floor to grab something - the entire way down I am doing self-talking about good choices. People pass me in the hall... and I'm sure they assume I've escaped from somewhere as they hear me mumble "good choices... think healthy... be good.....good... good" The good part is that they clear a path for me. Watch out - here comes that crazy person again! I really should learn to have these conversations in my head! The problem is, of course, that once I get there all this food screams at me - and contrary to popular belief, hospital cafeteria's really do serve some wonderful food now!

This week, Tim Horton's launched the return of the Pumpkin Muffin, Pumpkin Donut, and Pumpkin Spice Tea. Right now, even as I type this, I am salivating! The muffin is to die for. Must... stay... clear....of... Timmies..... Must... stay... clear... of.... Timmies..... Why does fall have to taste so delicious? It's really quite an evil plot to keep me chubby! I have a nice lunch packed today - tuna (on WW bread), veggies, a crisp apple that I picked myself, yogurt.... and that's it. Yum. (must.... stay..... clear..... of.... timmies....)

At the end of the day, I would like to look back and think that I made good choices today, that I thought things through, that I was a success... at least for today!

So, it's Tuesday, and I'm relatively on track and tracking.

Oh... here's one.... I left the house this morning without a jacket - I had left it at a friend's house last night grrr. Anyway, I was a little cool. Thought I'd use that as a good excuse to buy a new coat - until I tried one on at Laura's.... I didn't like the size number and it sort of bulged over my tummy making me look about 7 months pregnant. I hung the coat back up. Caught a glimpse of my profile in the mirror - sans maternity coat - and thought "must...stay...clear...of...Timmies"

I hate fall!

Pass the muffins.

Apples and Pumpkins and Pies... oh my!

Fall... to continue from last week. Such a vast selection of wonderful 'comfort' foods available right now. All of these foods are my favourites! Yesterday, I worked from home and was craving fresh baked scones! So, I made them! I ate one, fresh and hot from the oven... with blueberry preserves on it. Oh so delicious! But, that left 7 more to be eaten. Quickly,I called a friend and she came for coffee... and I forced her to eat at least 2 scones! Thankfully, she did just that - with lots of coaxing. But, that left 5 more! I'll stop there.

I think what scares me the most about fall is the abundance of the fall harvest! I love apples, apple pies, apple crisp, apple cake, apple..... you get the picture. I also love pumpkins! Fresh pumpkin pie, pumpkim muffins, pumpkin cookies, and so on. But I also love all the other fall squashes too. To hopefully stave off a mad eating frenzy this week, I selected two squashes when I was grocery shopping - one an acorn squash and the other a spaghetti squash. The spaghetti squash I cooked by cutting in half lengthways, and turning it (cut side down) in a water bath of about 1" in the oven. It came out wonderful... and then I fought the urge to use butter, salt & pepper over that and instead opted to scrape it out (spaghetti style) and top it with some warmed salsa. It was delicious - and zero points. I was not as successful with the acorn squash - which I grilled on my bbq with dabs of butter and maple syrup. Oh so incredibly delicious when it was done. I think there was about 2 tbsp of butter on each half. I ate about 1/4 of the squash.

I also have a pumpkin to cook up and turn into something wonderful as well. Probably pie. I did find a recipe for pumpkin 'pudding' which is basically pumpkin pie without the crust, cooked in one bowl and then scooped out into individual servings. That would be a better choice for me. I'll have to think that one through a bit.

As I write this, I'm eating a Raspberry Yogurt.... it's not nearly as delicious as a slice of fresh from the oven apple pie, or pumpkin pie.... so I'm trying to think of it as raspberry "mousse"... but it's not working.

I am tracking this week. sort of. At least, when I remember. But yes, I am doing the math in my head which as you may or may not know is a very scary place! So, I'll go back to work now and forget about what awaits me at home tonight.

In them meantime....

Pass the pie!

Latte' and Loving Life

I feel like it's time for a little fall-ness! Not full-nes.
Last night I turned on the gas fireplace at home... enjoyed a cuppa tea, and some me time. It was nice. Of course, the double scoop ice cream I had at Kawartha Dairy didn't help!

Today, I'm sitting in Kingston, in a Starbucks, with a delicious non-fat Chai Latte (and a pumpkin scone). I have no idea how many points all this is, but it's probably not good.

I love fall. I love the smell of fall. I love sweaters and cool evenings, and hot apple pie, and the smell of just walking through an orchard! It's all so invigorating. Of course I don't like the "full-ness" of fall. So, knowing that all these wonderful things make me nuts - as in I could eat myself silly at this time of year - I have to exercise caution. I love to love life without making food a part of it.

So, here I sit, in starbucks, with my latte and loving life!

Enjoy your Friday.

Facing the music... er, Scale!

I weighed in. I didn't kick the scale, although I should have kicked myself! My nasty habits of this week caught up with me when I stepped on the scale and it screamed "get off, you're crushing me!"
I was up - 2 lbs. Well, what did I expect? As I said, I drank and ate my way through the week.
Today's WW topic was "Managing dinner out, breadbasket to dessert." Seriously? I have no issues managing all that. I manage to eat it all quite well thank you! I think I missed the point somewhere in the translation! I am, apparently, supposed to manage dinner out so that I don't overdo the breadbasket, the entree, or the dessert. Just when you think you've been truly successful at one thing, you find out you've been working in reverse the entire time. Oh well.

So today I had to face the scale. 2 lbs. Yes, 2.0. Disgusting, isn't it? The question, however, truly is, what am I going to do about it? Monday I go back to work. I can stay in control when I'm working. Or at least I stay in control most of the time. I still have to get through the rest of this weekend.

Today it is a gorgeous fall day. Sun is shining! No humidity in the air. Just delightful. So what better way to celebrate a fall day then to go to a Fall Fair? This weekend is the Uxbridge Fall Fair and we're heading there shortly. This will be a challenge for me. Getting through the day without gorging myself on all the fall fair delicacies - like corn (dripping in butter), hot dogs, fries, etc. I just need to get through the fair. My plan for success today includes packing a small bag with fruit and water so that when the hungries hit, I can dig into my bag.

I sound so successful don't I? Right now I'm sitting here with toasted cranberry & walnut bread (we bought it at Mariposa Market this week and it's so yummy) smeared in butter and fresh peach jam.

I faced the scale today, what's next for me?

Facing the fatty in the mirror.

Another Friday

I've been on vacation again this week - as you have read. I've spent the week drinking wine and eating. Perfect weather.

Now, I have to face the scale. I hate the scale and the scale hates me. We have a mutual understanding though... if I don't kick it, it won't scream my weight out loud for all to hear.

It will just have to do!

Until tomorrow....

Labor Day Weekend..... and beyond!

September. Labor Day. The last long weekend of the summer. I checked in with Weight Watchers just like I said I would - and I was DOWN again! Yea me! Saturday then brought dinner with friends. Sunday was dinner with family. Food food and more food. But, oh, Labor Day Monday!

We packed our bags and headed to Niagara Falls for a mini getaway. We walked for a very long time up hills and down hills, etc. My legs felt like rubber and I wasn't even using my stepper!! For Saturday evening dinner I left over half of my portion. I felt that was a success. Of course for breakfast the next morning there was the all you can eat buffet. Omelet, fruit, yogurt, ya... oh and a bit of bacon, and a slice of toast, two coffees, and an OJ. I was so stuffed. I had to remind myself that the little voice in the back of my head was "sue" and she was saying "you WILL live to eat another day!" stupid voice. I didn't have lunch... I was till stuffed from breakfast. In fact, I didn't eat again until 9:00 p.m. Okay, so that was pretty late, and it was pizza - 3 slices. I suck at the whole weight loss thing.

Today - cereal with blueberries and skim milk. Today, I love me.

Yesterday is so... yesterday!

One step, two step, three step, help!

Well, I started using the stepper. My legs feel like rubber. I sure hope this is worth it!

On another note, I am on my final week vacation effective 4:00 p.m. today! I'm excited. Why you ask? Go ahead, ask! Okay, I'll tell you! I can sleep in for a whole week. Oh ya. Can't wait.
But there is much to do during that week off. We booked a one night getaway at the Hilton Fallsview Hotel in Niagara Falls. Dinner, breakfast, and a show is included. Be still my heart! Free food! Note to self: must remember to slow down and enjoy - you WILL eat again after this! Pace yourself.

We also have a plethora of company coming over the weekend, starting on Saturday evening. Again on Sunday, and then off to Niagara on Monday. Home Tuesday night. A large group of 20/30 somethings arriving for a bbq on Wednesday (about 12?) and finally on Thursday - NO COMPANY! Very excited about that, don't know if you picked up on my excitement or not!

I wonder if I should bring the stepper with me to Niagara Falls? Maybe not. It will just look out of place in my beautiful suite plus I'll feel guilty if it sits there and I don't use it. Actually, IT can't make me feel anything - but I may CHOOSE to feel guilty! Argh.

I'll weigh in on Saturday. I'm reasonably confident that I will be down a bit, not lots but a bit. And after 3 weeks of being away, I'll be very happy if indeed I am down!

So, here's to the long weekend, the last of the summer. Here's to being back into routine. Here's to being able to cover up ugly body fat with heavier fall clothes! Yes! The silver lining!!!!

Saying goodbye to summer and hello to the deliciousness of fall!

What happened to summer? Today is August 31st. I am at odds to figure out exactly where it went or what I did. What little tan I had is now faded, thanks to the weeks of off and on rain! The sun only shines when I go to work! And what about vacation? I had two weeks off in July and for the most part, it rained! There is some evil plot afoot to ensure I don't enjoy my summer. So we are saying goodbye... to summer... or so it seems.

But, now that I've accepted that fact, and that tomorrow marks the 1st of September (yikes), I find myself pondering on what I accomplished over the summer. So here's my list:

1. Drew a line in the sand. That was a momentous day for me. Stop the merry-go-round of weight loss and hit the real starting line!
2. Played on the beach, trying hard to keep my toes out of the sea. That is, the figurative sea of bbq'd delights and decadent foods of the summer - like incredibly delicious potato salads and pasta salads, and fatty burgers, and hot dogs, and sausages, and potatoes baked on the grill and then loaded with butter AND sour cream (not that fat free stuff either!) Ah, the beach.
3. Realized that playing on the beach was dangerous for me... the ocean tends to come in with huge waves and I feared being dragged out to sea - a sea of endless and mindless eating (aren't I dramatic?)
4. Opted to play in the sandbox - where I had boundaries and I was safe! I enjoyed the sandbox for several weeks, and lost weight consistently. The sandbox is good.
5. Missed a few WW meetings due to out of town work related meetings. Held my own as far as weight loss was concerned - no gain, no loss. Felt successful.
6. Missed 3 weeks straigtht! Yikes! NOW I'm worried. I was in Quebec City one week (see previous blog posts), and then had out of town guests (aka our kids visiting) for two weeks. Bye bye!


Now, here I am - and it's August 31st... my summer is done, my will was bent a bit (not entirely broken). So where does that leave me? Ready to get back at it. I was reasonably careful what I was eating over the past few weeks - reasonably as in I reasoned with myself. In fact here's a true, seriously, conversation I had with myself just yesterday:

Me to Self (M2S): Self, do you think your fall clothes are going to go over that rather large butt of yours?
Self to Me (S2M): Get thee behind me, Me.
M2S: I'd love to but the behind part is rather big... can I just peak around instead?
S2M: Cheeky, aren't you?
M2S: You're the "cheeky" one... have you seen those cheeks? Check out a mirror lately?
S2M: Brat
M2S: So, now that the summer is just about done, where are you going to take that butt of yours?
S2M: Hey, I bought a stepper this summer!
M2S: Watching it doesn't help the butt! You need to get on it!
S2M: One 'step' at a time, dear Me, one step at a time!
M2S: You're hopeless.

The fall - it represents all the deliciousness of the season - wonderful root vegetables, squashes, pot roast, the return of mashed potatoes, turkey, pumpkin pie, and don't forget apples - apple pie, apple crisp, apple brown betty (whatever that is!)... and a scale that may not be able to hold me after all of this delicousness.

So, I'll weigh in on Saturday, face the scale, and maybe - just maybe - I'll actually try to get on that stepper!

But it's just one step at a time.... one step.

I can't believe I ate the whole thing!

I was in Quebec City last week - for four days, sort of. Let me back track...

On Wednesday I left for Quebec City - got bumped in Toronto and was put on "the next available flight." Not too bad. My original flight was at 11:05, the flight I was supposed to be bumped to was the 12:00 flight. However, it took Air Canada over an hour to re-book the flight and get me a flight credit ($200) for being bumped. So, I missed the flight. I got on the 1:00 flight - to Montreal - instead. Then from Montreal on to Quebec City on a little puddle jumper plane that only had 20 seats. The props were bouncing the plane around so much that we had turbulence before we even started to taxi!

Okay, so here I was stuck in Toronto for longer than anticipated. I was hungry! There was Tim's! I got coffee - and the new chicken snack wraps. They were a waste, both of money and precious points, I didn't enjoy then at all. I ate one and tucked the other one away for my wait in Montreal. I did find a lovely store where I bought a necklace and matching earrings to go with the dress I was planning on wearing to the Gala evening. It was gala-worthy!

So, in Montreal - I scarfed down the other chicken snack wrap.... and waited for my plane to Quebec. Finally arrived 4.5 hrs later than I should have. Grr. I wasn't overly hungry - all those snack wraps - but the girls I was meeting had reservations at Portofino's, a wonderful Italian restaurant in the old city. I walked from my hotel (right outside the gates to the old city) to the restaurant - it was about a 10 minute walk on cobblestone. I ordered spaghetti bolognaise with a small salad, a Caesar! Thankfully, it was lightly dressed with an oil based dressing rather than the creamy Caesar (I don't like creamy!) Day one in Quebec City and already I was "off plan." I needed to get my act in gear pretty quick!

After dinner, I checked with the hotel desk and found out where a little market was - again only a few blocks away. I walked - with my roommate - to where we had been given directions - it was a very expensive little specialty food store. I bought yogurt (2.5% mf - that was the 'lowest' fat they had - there was one that was 8%!!!!), and blueberries, Earl Grey tea, and a litre of skim milk. Figured I could at least have that for breakfast. I left there - $13 later. Walking back to the hotel, I stumbled across another little market - Marche - where I could actually "shop" - and bought a box of Special K Vanilla Almond, cheese (yes, cheese!), Melba rounds, and more fruit. Another $14 later and I was on my way back to the hotel, but happy that now I could have cereal, fruit, and yogurt in the morning with my tea, and then have cheese and melba for a snack if I needed it. Good choices.

I was tired - went to bed around 10:00. I didn't sleep. My roomie snored - like a trucker! I was up most of the night. I was in Quebec for a PartyLite conference, so my roomie was another consultant from my region. I was not a happy person in the morning - about 1 hr sleep in total. UNTIL... I opened the little fridge, and there was my milk, berries and yogurt. That, plus my cereal, made me much happier. Roomie wanted to eat at the hotel - not me. I was STRONG for a moment.

Off to the conference.

Lunch break - it was dubbed as the "Taste of Quebec" ..... tortierre, pancakes, ham with maple syrup, baked beans, pie. Yes, nothing green. Not one thing. I ate the meat pie, and the ham, left everything else.

Dinner - I pretty much slept through it. I was so tired after the afternoon session that I thought I'd go back to my room to sleep it off.... and I did, almost to the point where I just about missed the evening session. So, I grabbed some melba and cheese, and some more fruit, washed it all down with a glass of skim milk. Okay so far.

We all (20 of us) went out after the evening session to a little place just inside the gates of the old city. Because it was late, the kitchen was closed. All that we could get was whatever was on the 'bar' menu. There was nothing appealing. I chose nachos and salsa. BAD mistake. I wish I could say I ate them all and that was what was bad about them. Nope. They were just bad! Some semblance of nachos with salsa that tasted like ketchup & tomato chunks, seriously. THE worst! I left and went back to my room - made tea and ate a clementine.

The next morning - same breakfast. I'm still doing ok. That is, other than being incredibly sleep deprived! What is with the SNORING????

Lunch - healthier - soup (although it was 'creamed' it was fairly watery - so it felt safe), deli sandwiches (grrr.... I had the roast beef and havarti), fresh veggies (three cheers!) and for dessert - pie, again. Apparently the menus at convention centres are limited in their imagination!
Dinner - ah the Gala Dinner! It was lovely - nuff said. I ate it all. Every bite.

Final breakfast - same - including the bags under the eyes from three nights of listening to the incredible symphonic sounds of "the snorer."

Lunch - conference was over so we were on our own. I went with a few others (4) back to Portofino's. I stayed away from the pasta! Good girl that I am.... but..... I ordered a pizza - it was called Pizza Sole.... the thinnest crust I've ever seen, seriously, with tomato sauce, mozarella cheese, and tomatoes. When it comes out of the wood fired oven (yes), theycover it in fresh basil leaves. It was THE most delicious thing ever. My plan was to have some, and then box up the rest. With each piece that I ate, I thought "I'll just ask for a box now"... and then eat another piece. Ya, so there was nothing left to box up. How sad... but very delicious.

I took the after noon to explore Quebec City before I had to fly home that evening. Figured the walking with help work off all the pizza (and all other manner of evil I had eaten). I stopped mid afternoon at a sidewalk cafe and had tea and a chocolate croissant... hey, I had to! I was in Quebec City - it's part of the religous experience!!!

Feeling out of control, I left Quebec City for the airport around 6:00 - and grabbed a Caramilk Bar at the airport -with a bottle of water. And ....I ate the whole thing.

I'm home - and back in control....

I think travel should be outlawed for anyone trying to lose weight!

Speaking of which, I just booked my next flight - Halifax.

*sigh* Hope they start making the seats a little wider!!

There is no try!

I don't really have much to say (as if I ever do...) but thought I should at least pretend to update this. Weighed in on Saturday and I was down again - yea! 1.4 lbs. I'll take that.

Summer has finally arrived .... in August! It's a typical Toronto summer - lots of humidity! Makes me wonder how much weight I can sweat off before I weigh in next week? Hmm? Probably not enough to be noticable. Rats.

I'm off to Quebec City in the morning. I'm looking forward to it. I am hoping that I can restrain myself in the food department. For this conference, lunches are provided (Thurs and Fri) and one Gala dinner on Friday night. I think I can manage around that. I'll try my best.

Try... there's a word. TRY. Three small letters. What does it mean? Put in an effort? Give it a shot? There is a wise being (Yoda, for you Star Wars fans) who said to Luke Skywalker "There is no try, there is do or do not." Profound, that little scrunched up guy. So, do I try? Since try doesn't exist, there are only two options - do - or - do not. I don't like the options.

Okay, well, I'm off to QC, and I'm excited to be going.

I'll "do" as much as I can....

or at least I'll try.... :)

Week 1 of the restart

So... I weighed in on Saturday.... I'm down 4.2 lbs.

I like playing in the sandbox!

Here were the challenges of the week:

1. Holidays. I did really well and stuck to the week 1 book, religiously, for most of the week.
2. Day trip on Wednesday - ended up at Swiss Chalet for supper. I didn't have my 'Dining Out' book with so I sat down, asked for a glass of water and a nutritional guide. Chose my food based on that. I ate a delicious dinner for 7.5 pts.
3. Pot Luck on Thursday evening with friends. I took a green salad and fat free dressings. Stayed within my points and had fresh fruit for dessert.
4. Beach day on Friday. Seriously. Went to the beach (sans bathing suit) and relaxed. I packed us a nice picnic lunch and we just had a delightful afternoon in Cobourg.
5. Dinner Friday evening with friends on Friday - my big BLOW. Nothing was on plan. I tried hard to limit portions and the variety of what I was eating. Dinner lasted from 6:30 to 10:30.... then we sat outside for another hour after that. I knew when I got home (around midnight) that I was no where NEAR plan.

So, Friday evening discouraged me. I had been down more earlier in the week but I knew that eating such rich foods late at night was going to play with my numbers. ARGH! It did. However, I was totally successful the rest of the week, so my 4.2 lbs is a major victory!

Celebrate.

Now, week 2 of week 1. Yes, I'm repeating it.

So far... it's sunday and I've already had a few challenges.

• Last night we had company for dinner, we bbq'd steak. I weighed my beef portion and only had 4oz. Success.
  
• Dessert was angel food cake, strawberries, whipped cream. I didn't have the cream. Success.
• Breakfast was shredded wheat, skim milk, blueberries. Success
• Lunch today was a hot dog... FAIL
• Supper tonight was Potato Chowder (a weight watchers week 1 recipe) Success
• snacks today were: an apple, some grapes, a granola bar. I'd say Success, right?

The week will continue - as I head back to work after 2 weeks off.
I'll let you know how it goes.... I'll have to carefully plan my meals.

Here I go.....

Playing in the Sandbox

After the beach analogy yesterday, thought I'd continue for a bit....

Boundaries are good. They provide safety. This week, I've decided to play not on the beach but safely within the sandbox. Here, there are no waves to destroy what i'm building. Here, it's fun and easy.

Day 2 of the new improved me. So far so good. Playing in the sandbox is good. It's safe.
Yesterday I stayed on plan (except for dessert for supper.... don't even ask!) We had dinner at a friend's house - a friend who knew I was on Weight Watchers and cooked a "ww friendly" meal, or so she thought. So, we had this delicious chicken cooked on the rotisserie of their bbq. Two chickens actually, for 5 people. When the pieces were passed around on a platter, I chose a breast. Immediately I took of the wing and handed it to my husband. Then before I got to taste the wonderful crisp skin, I took it off! The chicken beneath was delicious. And enough. The meal was served with three different salads, one a potatoe salad made with a vinegar dressing rather than mayo! Thanks Vicki! You're great! The other two salads consisted of a green leafy salad with lots of delicious veggies in it (which I had with a fat free dressing) and a broccoli/cabbage salad with cranberries and *gulp* bacon! I picked out the bacon. The dressing was a fat free based dressing (I was told!) So far, so good. I had one piece of bread - homemade by my hostess - spelt bread with flax seed. Delicious although rather dense. I did have 1 tsp of butter with it... it needed it! Now, the dessert.... sigh... a frozen concoction made up of a graham crust, topped with sliced banana, then vanilla ice cream, and finally a fudge topping (melted chocolate chips, sweetened condensed milk, etc.sigh) all frozen and cut into squares. I had one square, the smallest one that she cut. I have no idea how to count that. Really. So I asked her for the recipe - that way I can figure it out and record it under my flex points for the week.

That was it. No extras. I drank water with my meal. I feel all in all, I had a successful rebirth in the sandbox!

Today even better. Trish (at WW) suggested that for the next two weeks I use the preplanned menus in the week 1 book. I am. this morning I choose a breakfast off the list - 1 cup fat free plain yogurt with 1 cup sliced strawberries. I thought I'd be starving afterwards. I wasn't. For lunch, I choose 1 cup of black bean soup - very delicious and very low in both fat and points (2 pts) while very high in fibre. That was followed with another cup of plain fat free yogurt and 1 sliced banana. Again, I was satisfied! I've planned out dinner for tonight - Teriyaki Pork tenderloin, baked sweet potato, broccoli. (8 pts). for my 'snack' I'm going to have sliced strawberries (1 cup) with angel food cake (2 points) for a 3 point snack (or dessert) after dinner. total points for today = 20.

Now, I am sitting and enjoying a cup of herbal tea.
I am enjoying the safety of the sandbox. I'll play here all week.

Next week, I may take a step outside the sandbox and plan my own meals again. But for now, it's a no brainer. And I need that! The sand is warm and inviting... and very satisfying. Just one comment....

I think I may have left my pail and shovel at the beach!

A line in the sand.....

As a child I loved going to the beach, playing in the sand, building castles, and having fun. The sand nearest the water was the best because it was cool on your feet and you could really dig deep without the sides caving in. Not much effort was needed! The dry sand wasn't as much fun - it was hot and dry, and it required work! You couldn't build with it unless you added water But oh, the wet sand.... it was a delight. Sometimes you would get your 'castle' almost to the place where it was just about perfect... just that one more bit and it would be there! Inevitably, a wave would sweep ashore and wash away the castle. I remember just sitting in the wet sand, where my beautiful castle had once been, crying. The problem is that I built my sand castle too close to the water line, too close to where 'danger' would come and take it away. If I had just used the other sand location - the one a little further away from the waterline - my castle would be safe! I'd dig through the dry sand - the hard work - and then get to the cooler and wetter sand below! How satisfying it felt to build my castle on a firmer foundation! When the waves did come often just a little water would wear away a corner of the castle, but the castle stood!!

Sometimes I feel like I'm a sand castle. I work on something until I just about get it right and then a giant wave comes in and washes my efforts away. These past two weeks have been just like that for me. Okay, truthfully, it's been more than two weeks, but lets not quibble over timelines! The problem is that I build my 'weight loss' sand castle too close to the waterline. In weight loss terms, I mean that I like the fast easy route! But with the fast easy track it means that danger is always close by because I'm always along the waterline, the danger zone, where temptations lurk waiting to wash away my efforts. I know the dangers are there but I still flirt with the line! Then, when a wave comes in - holidays, business trips, backyard bbq's, special events - I allow the wave to wash away everything I've been working toward. And I sit and cry! If I could only learn to plan better, just like the sand castle experiment as a child, then when the waves come (and they will come!) the work that I've done won't be totally lost, maybe just a tiny corner (a pound? pound and a half?) rather than the heartbreaking gain that makes you want to sit and cry!

This week, a line has been drawn in the sand! I'm starting fresh and in a place where I can see - truly see - where the waves are and learn to steer clear! This week, my castle gets built - starting on a much firmer foundation. This week, I won't allow the waves to destroy me! I've prepared in advance. I've got a plan. I've got enthusiasm back. I've got...

oh wait..... Just one problem.... I've got some sand in my bathing suit! Dang!

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Ever wondered what happens when you fall off the "food" wagon? Well, you lie in a pool of self-pity screaming that you'd pick yourself up if you could!

My week has been full of culinary mishaps... red meat three times (steak, steak, and um, steak), high fatty foods, and a touch of alcohol. So, yes, I've fallen.... and I'm trying desperately now to get up on to my feet again and walk! Walk, that is, straight to my Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday. Honestly, there are days I really don't want to go. I get so discouraged. Why am I paying all this money to just sit around and eat whatever passes by me? I don't know. I really don't know.

I weighed myself last night, I'm back to my starting weight again. Oh, and the ultimate self-insult? I was trying on a pair of shoes today and happened to be seated right in front of a mirror. As I struggled to lift my fat leg up to take off my running shoe (I use the term "running" very loosely here), I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was shocked. Those could NOT be my legs! Someone must have switched them for a fat person's legs when I was sleeping! Yes, obviously that is what happened! Alas, they were my legs and I was disgusted by what I saw.

So I came in to work, had my fat free yogurt, three bottles of water... and don't ask what else....

I'll trudge on to WW in the morning, face the music, face myself (the much harsher critic) and get on with it. This has got to end! Today!

.... and yes, I bought the most beautiful pair of shoes today!

The day had to have some redeeming quality to it!

Baby bump watch

It's all over the news these days. Is that a baby bump under Jennifer Anniston's dress? Katie Holmes looks like she's got news to tell with that baby bump. Nicole Kidman shows off baby bump. Everyone seems to have one. The problem is, rarely is that true! They probably caught the poor stars coming out of lunch where they ate a bit too much! Gasp! Not just lettuce???

Well, hold the presses, there is apparently another baby bump! Yes, it's me! Now, before you get all excited, or just plain shocked... let me explain.

My husband and I were out walking around our neighbourhood the other night. It was a delightful night and we were just enjoying the stroll together. We ran into a neighbour and stopped to talk. After a few minutes of conversation my dear neighbour said "Heather, are you expecting?" *insert shocked look* Um, no I'm not, I am apparently just fat. Once she recovered from her faux pas, she fumbled around for words "oh, it must just be the top you're wearing".... ya, whatever.

We continued on our walk in silence, with me fighting back tears. Finally, I looked up at my husband and said "don't ever breathe this to another living soul." So here I am blogging it for the world to see.... Thankfully this week at Weight Watchers I was down again. I think if I had been up I'd have cried... I didn't think I looked pregnant, but, well.... maybe I do to others???? So, no I'm not expecting, and there is no baby bump watch happening in our household! Ever! Amen!

Baby bump - hmmph!

I think I'm craving ice cream!

I feel appreciated.

Today was staff appreciation day at the hospital. To show how much the executive management team appreciates everyone, they threw a lavish breakfast free of charge for all staff. At first I thought I would be strong and not attend. Breakfast ended at 9:30. I got in the line at 9:05.

*sigh*

After working my way slowly from the very back of the line, which was at least a mile from the actual food line, I finally made it to the front. A few squirts of hand sanitizer (mandatory) and a handshake from the hospital CEO, and I was in!

I picked up my biodegradable container (as if that's supposed to make me feel better) and the first thing that got plopped into it was some sort of an egg and cheese thing. I think it was trying to be an omlette. It definitely wasn't fluffy like mine! But hey, when you're feeding a thousand or so people, I guess rubbery is ok. Next, I had my choice of either three strips of bacon (mmmm bacon, I haven't had real bacon in over a year) or two sausages. I chose sausages! It didn't disappointment me. They were sufficiently fatty enough to be absolutely delicious! Then came the home fries - deep fried of course, followed by pastry. I chose the plain croissant rather than the danish, or the chocolate croissant. It, too, was delicious. Finally, I picked up a pre-packed bag of apple slices (my only healthy choice!). I made my way to the 'beverage' station where I picked up my coffee and some juice, cranberry this time, grabbed my cutlery and headed back to my office, where I absolutely wolfed it down. You would think I hadn't eaten in years the way I devoured that stuff. It wasn't even THAT delicious, it was just, well, free!

So, now here I sit. Stuffed with food that was, in retrospect, not all that good - I could have done better. But, it's staff appreciation day, and so I suppose the handshake and the "thank you for everything you do" comment made me feel appreciated, even if my arteries are clogging as I type.

Which way is it to emergency?

In the land of the living.

Well, after almost two weeks off work with pneumonia, I am back! That just about knocked the socks right off me! No Dr. Pain for two weeks. No Mister Softee. No food pretty much. My neighbour made me a big pot of chicken soup, which I devoured daily. It was the only thing I really had any taste buds for. At the end of week one, although I didn't officially "weigh in", I weighed myself at home thinking "ya baby, I'm going to be way down"....

Wrong.

Week two I began to eat again as I gained strength. I enjoyed my food and thought it tasted so good - especially after a steady diet of soup. I weighed in on Saturday and was down 1.8 pounds. Go figure. I was happy!! Don't get me wrong, I just never really understood the 'don't eat - gain, eat - lose' phenomenon! I'll take it gratefully and move on.

So, this week, challenges include writing 3 papers in one week. Last night I was up until 1 a.m. writing. The alarm went off at 5 a.m. and let me tell you, I was not the most pleasant person this morning. I've already had 2 coffees today and I'm still going on auto pilot. Tonight another paper, and then a third due on Friday. I'm still not sure why I insist on pressuring myself like this - it's not like I don't have anything else to do!

I'm tracking this week. I'm weighing and measuring my food this week. I'm desperate to be a healthy weight.

So, here I am... back from the land of the lost to the land of the living. Back to my challenges of walking past all the ice cream trucks daily. Seriously, it's still cool out, WHO buys ice cream when its' cool out? (I could be tempted to!)