I'm just a whirling dirvish!

I often wonder if I'll ever get my excess weight off.  I had lunch a while ago with a friend (and former WW member).  We were lamenting the trials and errors, the losses and gains, of the weight loss game.  We were both determined to 'be better' to buckle down, to get'er done!  We did this while we ate our salads and pizza.  PIZZA!  We justified it.  Neither one had any meat on the pizza (thank you Mr. Greenjeans) but still, it was pizza.  We did promise to stay connected and accountable.  I guess I should call her soon, it's been about 3 weeks now!  So much for promises!

Since that delicious, not weight-watchers friendly, pizza lunch, I've been to New Orleans.  Nothing was weight watcher friendly there!  I had way too much alcohol (gin & tonic, wine, martini's and cosmo's, oh my!) and way way too much decadent food!  It was non-stop.

Since returning from NOLA, I have really struggled to get back on track.  Why?  I'm tired of watching every bite I put in my mouth.  I'm tired of tracking, tired of it all!!!  I skipped WW last week.  I could have gone, I suppose, but chose not to.  I went out with a friend instead.  We did a Christmas Tour of Homes in the little town I live in.  I invited her for breakfast first.  I think I subconsciously did that so that I would have to stay home in the morning and not go weigh in.  You know, I needed to "prepare".  Hogwash.  Also went out for lunch that day.  Also went to a party that evening - the first holiday part of the season! And, then went to Swiss Chalet the next day and ordered a "Festive Special" - with fries!  and ate it all!!! 

I'm spinning out of control, a whirling dirvish! 

What to do?  What to do?  I'll weigh in on Saturday, and, in the words of fearless Sue... I'll "suck it up, buttercup."   Yep, I'll get back on track... after I finish this cinnamon bun!

*sigh*

whirling.... whirling...whirling....

Birthday Weekend Extravaganza.... and Julia Child

Friday, February 5th was my birthday.  My adorable husband took me out for dinner - to the Wild Onion, a new little restaurant here in my little town. The menu was extraordinary.  I had bison. Done to perfection. And a wonderful chocolate mousse for dessert.    I kept thinking "eat in moderation... you are weighing in tomorrow morning."  I tried.  I truly did try! The food was absolutely fantastic.

From the Wild Onion, we walked over to the Uxbridge Music Hall to see "Guys and Dolls".  I love community theatre.  People in Community Theatre have such passion!  Guys & Dolls was fantastic.  I highly recommend supporting your own local community theatre.  It was a long evening, but great.

After a short night sleep, I was up and showered, dressed, and on my way to my weigh-in.  I was scared... I had done great all week, but having such a huge dinner the night before I knew would interfere with any planned 'success.'  I was right, I was up 1.4 lbs.  RATS!  I'm sure it had to do with the wine, the garlic mashed potatoes, the chocolate mousse.  

Well, birthday weekend extravaganza continued and Scott and I ended up going out for breakfast after my weigh-in.  We went to The Buttery, a nice little place in Newmarket.  Poached eggs, rye toast, peameal bacon, and I substituted the home fries for some sliced tomatoes.  That was a good thing!  Overall, a successful breakfast.  But the food fest continued.... and I ate my way through Saturday, ending with a favourite recipe from my childhood.  My mom used to make this wonderful "Pasty Pie" which was basically beef, potatoes and onions in pastry.  So delicious.  Mind you, she used to use stewing beef... I modified the recipe years ago to some good quality steak!  Much better!

Scott bought me a pre-viewed copy of Julie & Julia and that was my favourite part of my birthday.  I watched it last night and loved every minute of it.  It is my favourite movie.  I'm watching it again today. 

I'm back on track today, and planning the rest of my week...  I have a few business meetings this week, out of town, which always means food. 

Oh food, glorious food! 

Nothing tastes as good as......

There is a saying "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"... There are days I'd like to sock whomever said that right in the nose! It's obvious! But it's also frustrating. As if chanting this mantra will magically make the pounds drop off, I've been 'chanting' it all week. The pounds aren't listening to me!! I think they are saying "no no no no no no... nothing tastes as good as a Snickers Bar!" Okay, they may just be right! But to feel thin again... oh to feel thin again. Dare I dream with such boldness?

I've been sharing with a WW friend my frustrations. I'm up - again. Will I ever get the weight off? I found this picture of myself. Yep, that's me with the cute hair and thin face.. THIN face. This is how I looked when I was dating my husband. I felt young, attractive, thin.. and I felt *gasp* sexy! I was just 5 pounds from my goal weight. I had recently moved from Kingston, Ontario where I was religiously following the WW plan. I moved to Newmarket, Ontario and decided, heck, it's only 5 pounds! I can do this on my own. WRONG. I was good for a time, not losing anything and just gaining a tiny little bit, which i thought was OK. By the time my husband and I had been married about a year, I had pretty much gained most of it back. And it continued to pack on! I went to weight watchers a few time - an at-work program, which didn't work for me, and tried a few other Saturday morning groups. I settled,finally, on one group that I clicked with - it was more the leader who is incredibly caring.... and funny.

However, after a few (several) false starts, I'm still where I was when I started 2 years ago! How much money have I invested in false starts? Don't ask. I have two good weeks, a bad week, a semi good week, 3 bad weeks, etc. and quite seriously I haven't lost a pound overall! WHY? Because my mantra is all screwed up... Nothing tastes as good as [insert favourite food]. I've got to stop that. What is it about eating that holds such power over me? What is it about snacking in the evening that I can't seem to shake? I don't know! Seriously, I don't!

How do I look today? Here's the newest picture, taken September of this year. Look at the double/triple chin!! Look at the size of those cheeks! (The ones on the face - because I wouldn't DARE show the 'other' ones!) Comparing these two pictures recently depressed me beyond belief! I had flashbacks of a previous life when this is how I looked and felt all the time. Fat. Ugly. Totally UN-sexy. Not only did I gain back 55 pounds but I added another 10 to that! 65 pounds HEAVIER than when I was just a few short years ago. So, the question is; how do I get beyond these feelings and get back to BELIEVING that nothing really does taste as good as thin feels? I'm not entirely sure. I do know that I need to stop - STOP - snacking in the evenings. That's my killer time - it's just a nasty habit. So - STOP:

S: Sure I can eat but why am I?

T: Take time to evaluate my motives.

O: Oh my goodness, get out and walk!

P: Practice good self-talk.

Okay, those are the most 'scientific' things to say, but they are real and they are from my gut! Which is rumbling... I better drink some water so I don't down another snickers bar today!

I'm really not hungry... I am a food addict. I love food. I love to eat food. I love to cook food. I can out-eat most people I know! All kinds of people have all kinds of addictions, I eat. I am a food-aholic, seriously! The only time I'm not thinking about food is when I'm shopping. And there's a whole other can of worms!

Maybe I need a different mantra.....

All I know for sure is: "Hello, my name is Heather, and I'm a foodaholic. It's been 30 minutes since my last binge*"

*the snickers bar really was delicious!

Number inversions, fall clothes, and more pie!

I weighed in on saturday and I was up 0.2.... bah! Must have been all that pie! Kawartha Dairy Ice Cream didn't help either, I suppose!

After talking to a few ladies at WW, some were up just little bits, like me. I think it's a number inversion thing. REALLY, we are DOWN 0.2 or 0.6 or 3.2! Okay, that one (3.2) we might actually notice! Regardless, such tiny little amounts to be up may as well be looked at as a number inversion. Pee, and it's gone!

But, of course, now that the fall is here and I am wearing slightly heavier clothes that just may be were my 'gain' came from! Ya, that's it! I'm up 0.2 because I wore a heavier sweater? Okay, that's a mind inversion! My mind, at best, can be somewhat twisted so if I choose to believe that my choice of sweater made a huge difference, then so be it! It's me. And that's that. Yes, I know, I'm fooling myself - mostly because I wore the exact thing I have been wearing most of the summer. So the inversion here comes from stupidity!

Regardless of how I see my 0.2 lb gain.... I accepted it.

After the meeting my husband and I went apple picking. I made a delicious apple crisp (a weight watcher recipe at that!) and it was so delicious! Topped it off with a small scoop (about 1/4c, seriously) of Chapman's Frozen Yogurt (which is only about 1 point for the 1/4 c). My dessert - 3 pts! How yummy was that. AND, since it was fall and a beautiful crisp sunny day, I also made a huge pot of vegetable soup, which I have been eating all week. There's something so comforting in a bowl of hot soup! It's zero points! THAT'S the comfort part!

I find my biggest challenges come from being at work. If I'm hungry I head down to the main floor to grab something - the entire way down I am doing self-talking about good choices. People pass me in the hall... and I'm sure they assume I've escaped from somewhere as they hear me mumble "good choices... think healthy... be good.....good... good" The good part is that they clear a path for me. Watch out - here comes that crazy person again! I really should learn to have these conversations in my head! The problem is, of course, that once I get there all this food screams at me - and contrary to popular belief, hospital cafeteria's really do serve some wonderful food now!

This week, Tim Horton's launched the return of the Pumpkin Muffin, Pumpkin Donut, and Pumpkin Spice Tea. Right now, even as I type this, I am salivating! The muffin is to die for. Must... stay... clear....of... Timmies..... Must... stay... clear... of.... Timmies..... Why does fall have to taste so delicious? It's really quite an evil plot to keep me chubby! I have a nice lunch packed today - tuna (on WW bread), veggies, a crisp apple that I picked myself, yogurt.... and that's it. Yum. (must.... stay..... clear..... of.... timmies....)

At the end of the day, I would like to look back and think that I made good choices today, that I thought things through, that I was a success... at least for today!

So, it's Tuesday, and I'm relatively on track and tracking.

Oh... here's one.... I left the house this morning without a jacket - I had left it at a friend's house last night grrr. Anyway, I was a little cool. Thought I'd use that as a good excuse to buy a new coat - until I tried one on at Laura's.... I didn't like the size number and it sort of bulged over my tummy making me look about 7 months pregnant. I hung the coat back up. Caught a glimpse of my profile in the mirror - sans maternity coat - and thought "must...stay...clear...of...Timmies"

I hate fall!

Pass the muffins.

Saying goodbye to summer and hello to the deliciousness of fall!

What happened to summer? Today is August 31st. I am at odds to figure out exactly where it went or what I did. What little tan I had is now faded, thanks to the weeks of off and on rain! The sun only shines when I go to work! And what about vacation? I had two weeks off in July and for the most part, it rained! There is some evil plot afoot to ensure I don't enjoy my summer. So we are saying goodbye... to summer... or so it seems.

But, now that I've accepted that fact, and that tomorrow marks the 1st of September (yikes), I find myself pondering on what I accomplished over the summer. So here's my list:

1. Drew a line in the sand. That was a momentous day for me. Stop the merry-go-round of weight loss and hit the real starting line!
2. Played on the beach, trying hard to keep my toes out of the sea. That is, the figurative sea of bbq'd delights and decadent foods of the summer - like incredibly delicious potato salads and pasta salads, and fatty burgers, and hot dogs, and sausages, and potatoes baked on the grill and then loaded with butter AND sour cream (not that fat free stuff either!) Ah, the beach.
3. Realized that playing on the beach was dangerous for me... the ocean tends to come in with huge waves and I feared being dragged out to sea - a sea of endless and mindless eating (aren't I dramatic?)
4. Opted to play in the sandbox - where I had boundaries and I was safe! I enjoyed the sandbox for several weeks, and lost weight consistently. The sandbox is good.
5. Missed a few WW meetings due to out of town work related meetings. Held my own as far as weight loss was concerned - no gain, no loss. Felt successful.
6. Missed 3 weeks straigtht! Yikes! NOW I'm worried. I was in Quebec City one week (see previous blog posts), and then had out of town guests (aka our kids visiting) for two weeks. Bye bye!


Now, here I am - and it's August 31st... my summer is done, my will was bent a bit (not entirely broken). So where does that leave me? Ready to get back at it. I was reasonably careful what I was eating over the past few weeks - reasonably as in I reasoned with myself. In fact here's a true, seriously, conversation I had with myself just yesterday:

Me to Self (M2S): Self, do you think your fall clothes are going to go over that rather large butt of yours?
Self to Me (S2M): Get thee behind me, Me.
M2S: I'd love to but the behind part is rather big... can I just peak around instead?
S2M: Cheeky, aren't you?
M2S: You're the "cheeky" one... have you seen those cheeks? Check out a mirror lately?
S2M: Brat
M2S: So, now that the summer is just about done, where are you going to take that butt of yours?
S2M: Hey, I bought a stepper this summer!
M2S: Watching it doesn't help the butt! You need to get on it!
S2M: One 'step' at a time, dear Me, one step at a time!
M2S: You're hopeless.

The fall - it represents all the deliciousness of the season - wonderful root vegetables, squashes, pot roast, the return of mashed potatoes, turkey, pumpkin pie, and don't forget apples - apple pie, apple crisp, apple brown betty (whatever that is!)... and a scale that may not be able to hold me after all of this delicousness.

So, I'll weigh in on Saturday, face the scale, and maybe - just maybe - I'll actually try to get on that stepper!

But it's just one step at a time.... one step.